i think im gonna start writting in this for a little while to just get stuff out of my head.. the past day has been real werid for me.. i dont think.. i feel like crying.. i feel like writting.. but i cant write.. i wanna write a poem or something to express myself. but i dont know what to make it about..  i want to just do something.. i decided to move on.. with a lot of things and people..  i cleaned up a lot of my room today.. i looked at all the notes i got last year.. and i threw them all out.. i think i want to start over with a lot of shit.. or just move on.. i cant believe how stupid i was back then.. to worry over stupid shit that seems like nothing now.. im blasting my music.. my music has like influenced me.. it changed my mood so much.. i was listening to depressing shit last night and then like last night i was all werid today im all werid.. i keep listening to the same song over and over again.. i wrote the lyrics down and put them up on my wall.. i cleaned out my closet and got rid of some clothing.. i want to see amber so fucking bad.. but i feel like its not gonna happen.. i got my hopes up so fucking high to see her.. and her mom was a bitch and said no.. i fucking hate it.. gosh i started crying when i got a letter from amber.. and started talkign to her again.. god id do almost anything to fucking see her.. and i doubt its gonna fucking happen..  me n her are so common in so many ways.. i just want to visit her for a fucking day.. all i want is that.. and its not gonna happen .. i know it wont.. i havent been sleeping good the past couple days.. finally got started on something.. im happy about..  but other than that who fucking knows.. i just feel like depressed i guess.. all ive been doing is moping around the house. starting to cry and then stoping.. i dont fucking know whats wrong with me..  i wish i knew.. because id change it so im happy again.. i feel like this summer is so different.. last summer i always hung around sarah , jackie , amy , jordan .,. the crew.. this year its like i hardly hung out with any of them.. i dont miss all the drama though and every now and then there is drama when i hang around doug n jordan and i cant deal with it.. other times i dont mind them.. but it gets to be a lot.. ive still hung out with amy pretty much this summer..  i just called her to talk to her.. but she was out with shaun.. so i left her go..  i feel like going for a walk and crying.. just crying my eyes out.. till i cant cry anymore.. last night my eyes started burning.. whats wrong with me..

<33 kristi

i love you jer jer

* this is now my rant xanga * since theres so much fucking hate now a days.

i got yelled at in the car today. blasted the music. she tried to act like she knew me. but she fucking doesnt. fuck her. that fucking bitch.

Hey..

Well today I had a conversation with aly and it really made me think. I use to think people you hang out with made you who you are but I guess its not true. Like so many people have changed.. I feel like I don’t know most of the people I use to consider to be my best friends. I know ive drifted myself away from some but I don’t know why ive done it. I guess its because I don’t know what to do anymore. I realize that their aren’t many days left until we all go our own ways. Like I feel like some days people just talk to me, just to talk to me and others just ignore me. I also thought this week a lot. People in my class judge me because of what they think, they don’t even know me.. yet they think they know me enough to judge me and to say shit about me. It pisses me off so much. This summer is gunna b so interesting.. I wanna see how many people actually call me and hang out with me.. who really cares.. and others that just forget… I feel like if I call people, im just annoying them or butting into what they were doing. So I don’t really try anymore. Im trying to move on but its hard to sit here n be okay.. ive been pushin myself so bad to do so good. I do good and miss the one thing I wanted so bad. But go figure. I feel left behind so many times. I guess friends are just friends at school, but once school ends, nothing else will be.. I have my moods where im happy one second, upset the next and so on.. most people don’t understand.. you don’t know my viewpoint.. you’ve never done what ive done so you don’t know how it feels. Then I have to make promises that ive wanted to break how many times but don’t because I know ill lose so many people. So I continue to please everyone else xcept me.. and if I didn’t have Jeremy who knows where id be.. hes the main person that’s been there for me these past 2 or 3 months.. he knows everything. I feel like he knows more about me than most people have known about me for years now..  I just feel so different.. I know my weakness is that I care to much..